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July, 2011:

Full Existance After Reflection

Isn’t it funny how the same force that can motivate you can also paralyze you?

 Ever wonder what it is that drives us on in life?

 Sometimes it’s just passing of time and the clock ticks and our bodies age and it’s just the process – the life cycle. And we find meaning in our tasks, sometimes in the small ones, and sometimes in the bigger picture of our greater purpose.

But if we dig a little deeper, there has to be one common denominator as to what drives the human race. Why do some work like dogs, others party like pigs, others bear pain that is almost unbearable, others fill their lives with kids, routines, hobbies, habits – good or bad.

One could just put it down to the normal activities that we all pursue.

But there has to be one force that keeps it all churning. Like some underground mechanism that keeps the whole process churning.

 I think, it’s fear.

 Think about it. It’s not a bad thing, or a negative thing. It simply is.

When you are young, you want so badly to be accepted by your peer group. The fear of rejection, of feeling unaccepted, unwanted, unloved drives and motivates many actions and decisions, from the clothes you wear, to the sports you play, to the social crowd you hang out with and the actions you undertake while in their presence.

 For some, while at school, fear of unacceptance by the teachers motivates behavior and achievements.

 Some kids become promiscuous, in a vain and desperate attempt to be loved and accepted – again the fear of never being recognized, validated, good enough motivates that action.

 Later in life, you work like a dog, for fear of not being able to pay bills, live in certain suburbs, drive certain vehicles, not have the possessions your peers have, the perception that without these, you can’t be happy. The fear of social embarrassment if you are evicted, or shamed by needing to borrow money.

Maybe its even more base than that – just the fear of being hungry, without shelter and warmth can light that fire to press on, to do more, achieve more, earn more.

 Of course once you have kids, your fears are transferred to them and their wellbeing far more than your own, but again – it’s fear. Fear that you won’t be able to provide sufficiently for them. Fear that their schooling won’t be the best, that you won’t be able to present them with certain opportunities.

 Why do some people become alcoholics or drug addicts? Fear that they can’t cope with life. Fear of failure, so if I make sure I fail, I won’t have that constant fear of it happening hanging over my head, if I make the worst thing happen – the thing I fear most, then I have beaten the system??

 Why do people abide by the laws of the country and the prevailing moral code of conduct? Yes, I know there are lots of reasons why, and its not only fear, but at the very bottom rung of the analysis, if you like, it’s fear. Fear of the punishment society would inflict. Whether that be jail time, or simply ostracism from your community, church, family, friends.  

A lot more people would lead a lot more authentic lives, in my opinion, were it not for fear of the town gossips and the opinions of others.

 The whole midlife crisis concept is at a fundamental level – fear. Fear of getting older, time passing, unlived, unfulfilled life. Realization of reality vs the younger dreamer.

 People are constantly (and rightfully so) weighing the risk factors in their decisions. But it’s still which route is the less fearful.

Nations exist on fear. Political boundaries are fear based. Wars have been fought due to fear.

Nations don’t label it that way. They label it as land, as natural resources, as protecting an ideology, or a religious concept.

But it’s fear.

What if there is not enough land for us / for me.

What if there is not enough wealth for me.

What if democracy, capitalism, communism turn to ashes, how will my world be defined? How will I operate, how will I relearn the very basics of the economic system which I have learnt to operate within?

Or possibly, the most tragic – what if the god I have spend my whole life worshipping does not exist?

Can I face not only the notion that I have lived my entire life based on a false foundation, but that now – I free fall into nothing, into emptiness, into what? That is so so scary. Can I rebuild?

 I, for one, don’t believe any of this is a bad thing. Contrary to how the reader may have interpreted it, I actually think this is really all a good platform from which to start. If we admit, acknowledge our fears,  we might fear them less. Maybe not, but at least we will know why we make the decisions we do and be able to accept the results of those decisions graciously, humbly in dignity, and most significantly, FEARLESSLY.

Tinsel town

Gold Dust.

 Imagery from that one phrase, I think for most people is so vast and so ‘rich’ if you’ll excuse the pun.

But for me, today, it is the intangible feeling that trails behind and around some people – as they walk past you in a shop, as they enter a room, as you spend time in their presence. It’s almost like a scent of perfume, but it’s not, it’s almost like an aura if you like, it’s something indefinable, something similar perhaps to how pheromones are released chemically by two people who have a strong physical attraction to each other. But the purposes of this is not sexual, so it’s not that either.

 It’s gold dust.

 It’s something within that person that emanates so powerfully from the essence of their being, that others sense it, but they are not, in this dimension of where we live able to identify, label or understand it.

 So, what happens is that when people come into contact with someone like that, they are either not in a place, emotionally or spiritually where they can deal with it, so they don’t sense it, or have a negative reaction to it, or, they are so attracted to it, that they develop all sorts of (inadequate) ways of trying to touch some of that gold dust. They might, at best develop a friendship with the person. That’s a good thing, because some of the gold dust will, inevitably, residually sprinkle onto them. Their spirits will be lifted, albeit temporarily, either just while in the presence of the person, or for a short while afterwards. They might be inspired, motivated, have a perception alteration, suddenly realise or know a new life lesson. These are all the results of befriending someone who radiates gold dust. But at the end of the day, you still have little, but the right to occasional access to the gold dust.

At worst, some people associate & ingratiate themselves, in a desperate attempt to have a little taste of what the other person has, they develop a kind of longing – greed, envy, that quiet envy for the life of the other person.

Because they sense an inadequacy within themselves, they can never fully be themselves in the presence of the person they most admire. So they might use money, false bravado, all sorts of shallow tools to try to make themselves seem worthy in the eyes of this ‘other’ person.

 If you not following this, or you think I am totally “new age” and gone over the top, that is off the mark, let me try explain. A rock star, because of their talent, status, success, money, has some of what I am trying to capture. It’s hard to capture an almost surreal concept though, so stay with me, if you like. So the rock star has all these groupies, desperate for a taste, a touch, of that ‘greatness’. Desperate for that moment to bask in the life of the rock star, to have what he (she) has, to be part of the greatness. Unfortunately, you can NEVER have what you won’t work for, or, you will have only that which you work for, if I could alter the phrase slightly. If the only work you put in, is to ingratiate yourself as the favourite groupie, then that is all you will ever have – is favourite groupie status, nothing more nothing less. The twist is that most often, the rock star has the money, the fame, the fortune, but not the real gold dust. He (or she) too, is desperately in search of it, and this may partly be what motivates him to rock harder, more hits, more of the fame excess, mistakenly believing that if he can just get more, he will have that gold dust.

He won’t.

 It’s not gained by any material possession. It is within you. It’s a state of mind, it’s a path you’ve travelled, it’s a quality, either predestined, or learned through very hard lessons.

It’s a peace that transcends circumstances, it’s a joy that is consistent, it’s a lust for life that is infectious, it’s a sadness that identifies with all the suffering of humanity yet still sees the flame of hope flickering in the distance, it’s a gentleness towards others like a balm on an open wound, it’s a stability and assuredness that provides security for others, it’s a contentment, it transcends circumstances, events, possessions, emotions. It’s Gold dust.

 And like gold dust, people want it, they want it because it is the promise of wealth, it is the promise of joy, it is the promise of security, it is the promise of inner peace. And like gold dust, it will require or entail perhaps a life time of conflict (inner and outer) wars, (with oneself and others.)

 But I believe, not in the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, I believe that gold dust is all around us, in the atmosphere, everywhere you go, everywhere. It’s in the supermarket, when someone smiles at you. It’s in the eyes of the car guards, who greet you. It’s in your child’s face, most radiantly. It’s in a friends’ welcome. It’s in the service that the domestic offers in your home and towards your children. It’s in  the sunset, it’s in the touch of a stranger’s hand inadvertently brushed against you. It’s everywhere.

The greatest sadness, is that most people don’t know they’ve got it. They don’t recognise it. They believe themselves to be lumps of mud, hard, compacted, functional but essentially worthless. If I could use a religious reference, simply because it is apt, like the golden statue, which for hundreds of years was covered in mud, when the mud was chipped off, the gold was revealed and the true worth of the statue was revealed. In much the same way, we, every single individual that is born to this planet Earth has that gold nugget within them. The years cover it with mud & few have the energy to keep dusting the mud off, until eventually the mud becomes so compacted, they entirely forget that there is any gold underneath.

But a few people, whether it is through forgiveness of life and others, or through a conscience ignorance of life’s scars, they dust the mud off sufficiently so that little tinsel fragments of gold dust keep rubbing off. And the irony is, the gold dust rubs off, when others rub against you, when others need you, pull at you, grab at you, tug you, that friction keeps the gold dust lose.

 So, why try to run around, hoping fruitlessly to stand under the spray or falling of another’s gold dust, when you – YOU can BE the gold nugget from whom the gold dust falls!